One inevitable thing about growing up and getting older is the fact that, as time goes on, the metabolism slows down. I was never someone who worked out, but a couple of years ago I realized if I wanted to stay fit and feel good about my body I’d have to do some sort of physical activity. With this in mind, I joined a local fitness club with the promise of a month free, kickboxing classes that weren’t too expensive, and the possibility of embarrassing myself a little bit less in front of my athletic family. The gym was great, but intimidating. Especially the weight machines- to me, they looked like torture devices designed to ensnare overly muscled men, and my assumption seemed correct all of the of grunts and groans that I heard from the weight room. I was looking forward to my “fitness assessment”, which I assumed would help me reach my goals and teach me how to use these machines. My goals, for the record, are a mix of insane and attainable. My first, likely attainable goal is to run 5k in 28 minutes. Pretty average time.
My other goals involve being able to do 100 push ups, killing a man with my pinky finger, and having the flexibility to touch my toes to the back of my head.
By the end of my fitness assessment, suddenly my goal had morphed into, “Tone up my body and lose 5 pounds.”
Lose 5 pounds?
My BMI is in the healthy range, and my body fat percentage is about 22%. That’s not low, or really athletic, but it is not unhealthy either. Apparently, this makes me fat in the fitness world. Or rather, it makes me “skinny-fat.” Because the best way to inspire women to work out isn’t to make them feel strong or good about themselves, but to terrify them into the idea that they may be a fat girl.
To prove that stupid gym wrong, I went home, crawled into bed with a bunch of chips, and fell asleep.
After waking up with crumbs being licked off of my cheek by a very adorable kitten, I decided that total surrender wasn’t the way to go. I needed inspiration. I needed a personal trainer. But the ones at my gym? All similarly inclined to make me believe I am fat, gross, and not worth much if I didn’t resemble a Victoria’s Secret model.
So, without further ado, here is a list of my top 5 dream trainers- in a definite particular order.
5. Buffy Summers- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
So, maybe Buffy is the chosen one, and that is why she is able to kick so much vampire butt. Plus, she is always backed up by the Scoobies, and has a totally tough vampire boyfriend most of the time (whether it is Spike or Angel). But what really makes her my ideal trainer is the way that she is able to patrol every night, kill evil demons, use witty wordplay, and never have bags under her eyes or messy hair. I can’t even manage to consistently wear Chap Stick to work. This girl could not only teach me to be a totally tough ass kicker, but she could also teach me how to manage my time and increase my allure.
Buffy Summers- My ideal life coach
4. Mr. Goshdashtidar- Run, Fatboy, Run
Mr. Goshdashtidar may be a chubby, older man. He definitely couldn’t teach me much about diet or self maintainence. But he would be my perfect running coach. Running isn’t hard; no one needs to teach me how to do it. The real difficulty is finding motivation. And what could be more motivating than a chubby, angry Indian man on a moped, endlessly smacking me to make me hurry up and run? I’d make, and exceed, my running goal in no time.
Mr. Goshdashtidar- My ideal running coah
3. Rambo- Rambo
“Why Jessica,” you may say, “Surely, you have your Sylvester Stallone movies messed up! You want Rocky to train you, not Rambo!”
To which I would reply, “Shut your stupid mouth.”
Sure, Rocky could teach me how to run up steps to inspiring music and how to jump the shark by fighting Mr. T. But could he teach me how to retaliate when some hicks draw first blood? Could he teach me how to survive in the hills while fighting a town full of dirty cops? Most importantly, could he show me how to take down a significant portion of the Soviet army with just my old army buddy at my side? Naw, didn’t think so. So what do you think we should do, Rambo?
Rambo- My ideal survivalist trainer
2. Gene- Wet Hot American Summer
After getting my life together with Buffy, running with Mr. Goshdashditar, and learning survival skills from Rambo, I feel I would be ready to learn a new way. And naturally, I would learn this new way from Gene (and a can of preserves). Too often, I work out or work hard to please other people. Gene could show me that while it is about the girl, it also…isn’t. It is about being true to who I am and being proud of that person, even if that person is weird and wears belly shirts. And if I want to fondle my sweaters, I should do so with pride. Really, I am just one awesome montage away from total acceptance of myself and all my quirks.
Gene- My ideal guru
1. Ra’s A Ghul- Batman Begins
Ok, so Ra’s A Ghul is totally evil. But if somehow he could channel all of that evil energy into training me, I would be unstoppable. Obviously a man who helped to shape Bruce Wayne into Batman could teach me a thing or two. But it is the speech that he gives to Bruce while fighting on the ice that is truly inspiring to me. Pretending to be Henri Ducard, he says, “You have learned to bury your guilt with anger. I will teach you to confront it, and to face the truth. You know how to fight six men. We can teach you how to engage six hundred. You know how to disappear. We can teach you to become truly invisible.” Ra’s A Ghul could teach me how to use my guilt to fuel my ass kicking abilities. Ra’s A Ghul, meet Catholic upbringing. Catholic guilt, meet Ra’s A Ghul. I’m ready to go and kill the Joker, now.
Ra’s A Ghul- My number one ideal trainer